Genesis 17:26 In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son. 27 And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.
This was officially the worst stag party of all time.
Genesis 17:25 And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
This is why, to this day, teenagers hate their parents.
Genesis 17:24 And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
As a 99-year-old, Abraham’s memory wasn’t the greatest. That’s why he forgot that he only needed to circumcise kids, not himself. Either that, or he was "on a roll" and couldn’t stop himself before the deed was done.
Genesis 17:23 And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham’s house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.
After that day, all the guys in Abraham’s neighborhood stayed well out if his way whenever he had a knife in his hand.
Genesis 17:22 And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.
God went up because Heaven is up from earth. Yet more evidence that astronauts are a bunch of liars.
Genesis 17:21 But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.
On the face of it, it’s odd that God would tell Abraham what time his kid would be born, but not tell him the day. That’s the problem when you live outside of time — sometimes your actions seem odd to us mere mortals.
Genesis 17:20 And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.
God does something nice for Ishmael, even though what Abraham said about his made no sense. On the downside, though, Ishmael’s nation is going to have twelve princes, which means that when he dies it will have twelve kings. This could be a problem down the road.
Genesis 17:19 And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.
God is really big on telling people what their names (and their kids’ names) are. God is omnipotent, but even so it’s a lot easier to remember peoples’ names when you are the one who named them, and God has a lot of peoples’ names to remember (all of them, in fact).
Genesis 17:18 And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!
Abraham is wishing that his bastard son Ishmael was older than God. Again, drunk.
Genesis 17:17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?
By the laughing, you can tell that Abraham is falling over because he’s drunk and not just because he’s 90. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have realized that it’s not that big a deal for someone with a three-digit age to be a parent. Heck, he just has to turn back a couple of pages to see plenty of examples.